Meeting Men

Since meeting men is the first step in the Dating Game, I thought I would spend a little time on the topic. I mean, there would be no point playing these games and doing "The Rules" without a guy actually wanting to date you. There's the clincher...

So, my current task is to meet men, everywhere I go! I don't go up and talk to men, but I try to be aware of my surroundings when I'm out and about, and smile at anyone I find attractive. That's the most I'll give them. After that, it's up to them.

On Thursday, I went to a Christmas party with a friend. It was your typical professional type event with cocktails being passed around on silver platters and fancy finger foods. I met a few people there I knew through friends, and met some of their friends. One guy in particular caught my fancy. I'll call him pink tie guy. I don't know what it was about him, but I liked him. We chatted a bit and we got on really well, but when it was time for my friend an I to move on, he didn't ask for my number so I didn't offer it. His close friend is friends with my close friend so if he really wants to, he can get in touch with me. But, then again, if he really wanted to, he would have asked for my number.

Then there was climbing guy. I met him at the gym when I was doing my rock climbing introduction course. This was particularly embarrassing because I tried to play it cool, and I think I overdid it just a little. See, he had sort of smiled at me when we were signing in, and then he started chatting to me and that was friendly. Then after our session, I was putting on my shoes and he started talking to me again. All was good... And then I thought I didn't want to seem disparate like I was hanging around waiting for him, so as soon as I was done, I picked up my harness to return it to the front desk, thinking he would have to do the same (duh! That's where we return harnesses). He was almost done putting on his shoes when I left, and when I turned back from the front desk, he was gone! And I didn't see him follow me to return his harness (like I thought he might) so I was a bit disappointed... Maybe he thought I was a bit of a bitch/social retard for just walking away like that... I was trying to be mysterious or something! It failed... But I tell myself that if he really liked me, he would have made it a point to follow me! He would have made sure that he 'ran into me' while giving back the harness or something. Instead, he left...

Then Saturday I went out with some friends. My friend's boyfriend invited a few of his friends, and I thought one of them was cute. I thought there was maybe some mild interest, but again not enough to ask for the phone number. But, once again, the friend of a friend always has a way to get in touch with me if he wants. So not getting in touch with me means he doesn't want to.

Three guys in one week. I think that's a pretty good effort. And while I may not have clicked with any of them, the point I am getting at is if I pursued any of these guys, I'd be waisting a lot of time and energy and possibly missing out on meeting somebody else who would actually be completely smitten with me.

So that is my philosophy now. I will go out there, I will smile and I will talk to men who initiate a conversation with me. I will look pretty, and bat my eyelashes, but that's it! The right guy will be the one who does the rest, who makes sure he gets my number, and makes sure to call because he is that smitten with me he just can't imagine not seeing me again. If a guy meets me and doesn't feel that way, why would I want to date him?!

Long Distance

I met a really cute doctor a while ago, but he lives in Canberra so I pretty much left it there at the time. Recently, he found me on Facebook and started getting in touch with me (oh Facebook...). I started chatting with him a little but, for some reason, I was a bit apprehensive. I mean, where could this go? He lives in another city! Then of course, he started trying to veer the chats from friendly and sweet to 'adult only'. Of course, I resisted this transition; I don't even know this guy! So I basically made it clear that I was not interested in having some sort of online affair with him, and that if, as he suggested, he wanted to come visit me, I would be happy to see him, but he had to know that I was not going to sleep with him on the first visit.

The Rules have several chapters dedicated to the long distance dating scenario. According to them, the guy has to come and visit you for the first three "dates", he is not to stay at your place, and you are not to sleep with him. It is extreme, but, having chatted with this doctor guy, I can see why it's very sensible. It's become clear to me that this guy seemed only interested in one thing and thought it would be oh so convenient to have a special friend in Melbourne where he can visit, have some fun, a free place to stay etc. Because Melbourne is obviously way cooler than Canberra... But I am not running a hotel/brothel! If this guy really wants something more with me, he can make the effort. Canberra is close enough that he can even fly in for a day. If not... sorry, enjoy Canberra! NEXT!

cohabitation

First of all, my date on Sunday was really nice. He invited me over to his place and cooked me dinner. Normally I don't go over the a guy's place on the first three dates, but the only exception is if they offer to cook me dinner. Everything was delicious, but of course, I would have been happy even if it was so-so because I appreciate the effort. After dinner we watched a DVD (I think the movie was called Stardust - it was cute: a very "date" movie) and then I went home. I only allowed a little bit of kissing and he was really good about that so no funny business. So overall a nice evening but I was disappointed that he didn't make plans at the end of the date for the next date. But we'll see if he calls.

Then today, I got a message on facebook from a guy I had gone on two dates with maybe 5 or 6 weeks ago. Obviously, after all that time, I had assumed he wasn't interested. I mean, since our last date, he had been getting in touch with me, but it was always the same 'sorry I haven't been in touch, it's very busy at work...' etc, but he never tried to secure another date. Now, he said he really wanted to see me again and asked if I was busy this weekend. I'll wait until tomorrow and reply (although I'll insinuate that a phone call ought to be placed in order to set down a time etc). And what is it with guys sending me messages on facebook anyway?

Anyway, I was reading an old article today about how couples who live together before they get engaged and married are significantly more likely to get divorced and/or have unhappy marriages. I used to be confused about this statistic because, logically, a couple who's never lived together before marriage would seem more likely to get divorced than a couple who has lived together. But now that I've read The Rules, I finally understand! Couples move in together for all kinds of reasons (and usually really bad reasons). Some common ones I've seen are convenience (ie - we're always together anyway so why pay two rents), test run (ie - not sure enough to get married, but let's see how we go living together), and one party's desire for more commitment (ie - the woman wanting to get married, the man not wanting to, so this is the compromise). After a couple's been living together, they end up staying together out of comfort and convenience rather than because the relationship is truly fulfilling. And usually (and I bet in most of the cases where the marriage ended in divorce) they get married because the woman is pressuring the man or it's just what you should do.

For all these reasons and more, I wouldn't move in with a guy before getting engaged, and preferably after the wedding date is set and the planning has begun. And even then, I think there's something romantic about waiting until you get married to fully and officially live together. Plus, why should I give a guy the pleasure of my company everyday without that sort of commitment? If a guy wants to see me more than 3 times a week, he'll have to propose. That The Rules. And I can see why it works and motivates a guy to propose rather than waiting 4 or 5 years (and many many conversations about marriage...). 4 years?! I don't think so! If a guy doesn't want to marry me after 1-2 years, he's done. NEXT!

Fun Friday

Friday I went to that Christmas Party. I met some new girls, but no interesting guys. There were two guys who had joined our table and were chatting with me but I kept leaving to circulate and chat with other friends too (which is very much in line with the Rules) and at no time did either of them get up to follow me and attempt to talk to me alone, and neither asked for my number so I just went about my business. I was very proud of my following the Rules, not hanging around them too much, chatting to them when they spoke to me and being friendly, but not going out of my way to chat to them and certainly not offering them my number.

After, some friends and I continued the party at another bar. There again, I must have met 4 or 5 guys, and they chatted with me but none of them asked for my number so I didn't offer it to them. I can see now that offering a guy my number would be fruitless in these situations because if he really wanted to call me, he would ask for my number. If he doesn't, then he's just not that into me. Even when I got a bit drunk, I was telling my friend (who was encouraging me to go talk to these two guys in particular) that I was not going to go talk to them, and if they wanted to talk to me, they could come over here and talk to me!

Although I didn't meet any eligible suitors, I still think it was a successful evening because I had fun, made new friends, and followed the Rules!

On a separate note, the date from last week (the 3/5 one - we'll call him S) had called me earlier this week to try to ask me out for Friday night. Of course I already had plans with this Christmas party so then he asked me for tonight (sunday) and I accepted since I didn't really have anything to do and it was 5 or 6 days in advance. Plus it's only the second date so it's ok that he hasn't freed up his saturdays for me yet. However, after this date, if he cant' free up a saturday for me, he's not going to see me again. In fact, for the next few weeks, I'll only ever be free saturday night (and only if he calls by Wednesday to ask for a saturday date). Every other night, I'm just going to be busy. That's my own rule - I'll accept a weeknight date for the first two dates, but by date #3, if he can't make the effort to take me out on a proper saturday night date, he's done. NEXT! Because that's what the Rules are about after all - having and maintaining your own standards.

The Rules

In the dating game that has become my life, I have decided to arm myself. I have now officially become a Rules Girl. That's right - I bought the book The Rules, and have been quite enjoying it. I think deep down, I was always a Rules Girl at heart; I just wasn't following the right Rules, and not following them all the time.

Basically, The Rules is a manual for exactly how to effectively play 'hard to get'. We've all heard the term playing hard to get before, but I don't think many women really truly understand just what that involved. It's actually a lot harder than I ever imagined. Even in times when I thought I was playing hard to get, I really wasn't. And I was harbouring under the delusion that it was good to give guys small signals that you liked them so that they would pursue you. WRONG! Wow, I am so glad I have learned the errors of my ways. Now, I am going to abide by the rules.

On a practical level, this guy (we'll call him M) that I met a while ago asked me last Friday to join him at the Pearl Jam concert. That concert was that evening and he asked me via SMS. This is a guy I had only met once and had never dated. I certainly was not going to accept his last minute (eg someone else cancelled) invitation. I politely declined via SMS and told him I already had plans but thanked him for the invitation. Then I didn't hear from him all weekend... until today when I got another lame SMS asking if I were free tonight and if I was he would call me. I've decided I'm not even going to dignify that one with a response. If he wants to see if I'm free tonight (or any night), he should call me and ask me out (not that I am free tonight, obviously).

Now some people might think that it's silly of me to act this way if I like a guy and actually want to go on a date with him. My friends would probably tell me to respond to his message and, if I'm not free tonight, to suggest other nights that I am free. But that's not playing the The Rules and that's making it too easy for him. If I do that, how will I ever find out if this guy truly likes me enough to get off his @$$ and call me? I won't, and I'll always be insecure about it, and, worse still, I'll be wasting my time with someone who doesn't truly care about me enough to actually call me and ask me out on a proper date. So now we wait and see. He's either interested, or he's not (in which case, his lame last minute text messages are probably fueled by boredom and the need for an ego boost, and that's one game I wont' play).

This is so much fun!

A lull

Things have been pretty quiet on the dating front this weekend. I didn't really go out due to the rainy stormy weather. I haven't met any new guys, and the guys I currently have on roster are starting to bore me. I did make plans to see that guy from last week on Sunday. He had originally asked me out for Friday but I have a X-mas party that day so I said I was unavailable. To be honest, I'm not that excited about Sunday, but somehow I feel obligated to see him again. At the moment, I just feel like I'm dead inside after commitment issues guy (who, incidentally, has not returned my last message and I'm wondering why he bothered to get in touch with me in the first place but I've written him off anyway). I want to feel that spark again, those butterflies... but I just don't. And that's not good enough.

I wonder if there will be anyone interesting at this christmas party...

Let the games begin

I went on that date Wednesday and I would give it a 3/5 rating. The guy was nice, he picked a great restaurant with really nice food and requested a nice table. He was on time and nicely dressed. We had a nice conversation. BUT I just didn't feel that spark (or za za zoo!). It wasn't that he was ugly, but just... I don't know. Maybe I put too much emphasis on the za za zoo? I think I'm not ready to discard him and yet I'm not sure I fee excited to see him again. We'll see what happens.

On a separate, non-guy related note, I made a new girlfriend this week. I've been thinking that a girl can never have enough girlfriends around and why was a worried so much about only meeting men when women are much better company! I met her at a training workshop I had to do for my traineeship and we just clicked as you do sometimes. It's cool because she's not from here either so we're both in need of more friends - there you go.

Finally, I did reply to commitment issues guy last night. I think my reply was good - congratulated him on his new job and was vague about my own life besides saying that I was well and just enjoying the great weather and going out with my friends etc. And, I haven't even checked if he's replied yet, but it doesn't matter- I feel like I have exercised the daemon!

The weekend, and now a dilemna

I had a pretty full-on (and fabulous!) weekend. There was a karaoke party on Friday, my boss' 50th birthday party Saturday, followed by an all night drinking extravaganza. I had the best time just forgetting about trying to meet men and focusing on just having a great time! And I totally did meet men of course, and had them wrapped around my little finger. Of course (and maybe I should say unfortunately) I didn't like any of them. So I continued to not pay them much attention except when they made a concentrated effort to speak with me. I would say that I probably (read: totally) had too much to drink, but who can say no to free drinks?! I should thank Zoe - her theories on being more attractive and fabulous to men is making going out on the town much much cheaper!

I also have a man I met a while back (read: pre Textbook Romance [T/R]) trying to go out with me. He asked me on a date this coming Wednesday, which was fine because he asked very far in advance (last week!) and I appreciate that. Then Friday he texted me saying that his Sunday suddenly "freed up" and he could see me then instead of I preferred. I didn't text him back until Saturday saying that it was very sweet of him to think of me, but that I already had plans. However, I was looking forward to Wednesday. He called me Sunday and left a voicemail saying that he had some ideas for the Wednesday date and would like to discuss them. It seems, according to Zoe's teachings, that by not accepting the last minute "change of plans" date via text message, I elevated my status and gave myself extra "perceived value" points. What my actions said is:

1. I have a life;
2. I don't drop everything just to reply to a text message right away;
3. I don't reply to text messages when I'm out and busy;
4. I'm out and busy doing things Friday Night (see point 1);
5. If he wants to date me, he'll have to call me up and ask me on a proper date; and,
   
6. He can't just have me whenever he wants me.
   

So instead of a whatever Sunday afternoon date, I am getting dinner at a restaurant he chose with reservations.

Now for the dilemna - Commitment issues guy got in touch with me. This was a week ago via Facebook message (although I had deleted him from my friend's list). Pre- T/R, I had replied to his message within an hour (that was just a coincidence as I was not actually expecting a message from him, but I happened to be online... etc). Then he didn't reply all week and today I get a lame reply apologizing because he's been on a business trip to the US all week and he's super busy (haven't we all heard that... I hear that this US country now has the internet - shocking I know!). My dilemna was do I reply now, wait a few days and reply then, or not reply at all. My instinct is to reply now, so I know that's a bad idea! But not replying at all seems too extreme considering that really nothing terrible happened between us - we just wanted different things and went our separate ways. So I have decided to go with option b - wait a few days and then reply. I'll keep it super casual, friendly, but not apologetic for making him wait. If he asks to "get together" I'll go, but I'd keep in friendly. No funny stuff, no action. In my books get together ≠ a date!

Practice Note

Last night, I got my first opportunity to put some of the lessons in Textbook Romance to the test.

Background: Since ending the 'relationship' with rebound guy, I have, let's just say, occasionally kept in 'on call'. Like a friend with benefits, only not so much of a friend... Anyway, I haven't been in touch with him in 3 weeks or so because I was beginning to feel like I was always instigating the hook-ups and he was just happy to go along with it (because he's a guy, duh!).

So yesterday, around 10pm, I get a text message from him. Normally, I would have replied either straight away or as soon as I could. But, because I wasn't really feeling happy with the arrangement anymore, I decided to change the game. I didn't reply. His message said something to the effect of 'haven't heard from you in ages! How's it going, what's news?' etc. Translation: 'I haven't gotten any action in 3 weeks and I'm starting to get... lonely'. Well too bad - it's Thursday night and I'm tired and want to go to bed... alone!

I only replied this morning, and said playfully that I was the one who hadn't heard from him in ages, and nothing's new just going out having fun etc. He replied within ten minutes: bonus points for me! I'm not replying for a few hours. Maybe I'll reply during lunch... if I have time.

Maybe this stuff works...

Things that make me happy

I am currently high on this notion of positive selfishness. I can't believe that I can be so selfish by nature, and yet, as soon as a stunning man-specimen walks by, I become a selfless pile of mush. I was so guilty of everything I thought I was better than.

I wasn't always "that girl". But after my last relationship, my confidence took a bit of a dive. It's a common story, but I will not let it get the better of me.

Those days are behind me.

In the quest to making myself happy (and even more fabulous), I have sent my girlfriend L a text to plan a road trip. She had mentioned it before, but was doing her final school assignment so we put it off. But she finishes today so I hope we can hit the road in the next couple of weeks! I have also sent my friend S a message detailing the possibilities of our vacation plans. Instead of spending (read: wasting) time and energy worrying about why some guy hasn't emailed/called/texted me, I spent that time cleaning my room and searching online for fabulous holiday destinations. Just the idea of putting together a fun vaca left me full of positive energy rather than that low feeling I get when I focus on the guy who never called etc. I shall call that symptom 'Sad Mac' (that's for all you SATC fans!)

So far, feeling fabulous! But must not lose momentum. So I have compiled a list of some of the things I enjoy doing for myself that make me happy:

• Going shopping: it sounds shallow but buying something new, even just a lipgloss or necklace or hair clip makes me feel good about myself. I like looking good and having pretty things, and that's my prerogative!
• Going to the beach.
• Taking my dog to an off-leash dog park.
• Having my hair done.
• Giving myself a facial/manicure/pedicure.
• Cleaning my apartment.
• Having coffee with a close friend (also substitute coffee for cocktails after dark!).
• Travelling to new places.
• Going to the art gallery/museum.
• Seeing a really good movie.
• Meeting new people and being social.
• Going to the gym (sometimes...).
• Shopping for food and cooking.

These are the things I will focus my energy on, rather than focusing so much energy on men!

No looking back!

(PS I'm buying all my girlfriends a copy of this book for Christmas! Including a copy for my mom haha!)

Textbook Romance - the first lessons

I began reading the above mentioned book this evening. So far, I'm impressed! I can only summarize it as everything you already know but haven't actually implemented (Why?!).

The first lesson is love yourself and love your life. It sounds so simple, but I realize that I have voids in my life that keep me from living my best life. The thing is, I knew this, and yet I haven't been doing anything about it. Focusing on 'I wish I could...' and 'I want to ... but...' is holding me back. So the first step, according to the book, is to fill the voids. I can't look for a man to fill these voids for me.

I have to say, I'm not miserable with my life. Overall, I'm happy and I enjoy myself. But I sometimes wish I could do more, and get more involved. My first challenge is to plan and go on a vacation. I love to travel, but I always find reasons not to. And why should I? I have a friend who is in New Zealand - I am dragging her on vacation with me whether she likes it or not! But I'm sure she'll love it.

The next thing I want to do is go to moonlight cinema - I keep missing it because I never plan to go. I expect someone else to make the plans for me and then pout when it doesn't happen. So I will google the line-up and ask a few friends to join me.

I am also going to go to the gym more regularly. I always feel better when I'm exercising (and probably look better too haha!) but I sabotage myself and then mope about how I haven't been going to the gym. That has to change.

I have already implemented my spring-time healthy eating plan, which I'm happy with. Now I need to implement my spring-time clean up my apartment plan. Most of the place is presentable, but the pile of laundry in my room is shocking and now that the sun is out there is no excuse!

The thing I realised when making these plans is that it's not about perfection; it's about being proactive. It don't need to become a gym-obsessed perfectly toned creature - just implementing the plan to go to the gym makes me feel better about myself. Feeling better about myself because I am doing something proactive instead of whining in my mind about the things I don't like about my life makes me enjoy my life more. And so on... I already feel better just writing about it.

The next lesson I will implement is not looking for men. I tell myself I'm not looking for men, but I think, subconsciously, I have been. This weekend, I'm going out with my girlfriends, and my challenge will be to just enjoy being with them without thinking about which guy in the bar is hoter and is he looking at me? And if he isn't, how can I get him to look at me...? This is counter-intuitive, but I know it works. Yet somehow, I don't do it. Shocking!

Textbook Romance

To make a long story short, after the terrible situation described below between the ex and rebound guy, I have had a string of flings/dating things/what-have-yous.

Although they've been fun, and obviously, after ending a 3+ year relationship 8 months ago, I haven't exactly been desperately seeking Mr Right (more like Mr Right Now), I've still started feeling that it may be time to open up to the possibility of a new relationship.

With that in mind (and because I like being onto the new "it" thing, whatever it is), I bought the book Textbook Romance by Zoe Foster (and Hamish Blake).

It seems to be the new "he's just not that into you". Frankly, I never bought the "he's just not that into you" book because it was not that informative. I already now that when a guy is not calling/asking me out/committing to a relationship he's just not that into me. Thanks.

This book appears to go beyond that; but we shall see.

I propose to read the book, and implement its strategies. I will record it all here in my blog, and we shall see what adventures ensue.

Wish me luck!