A Retrospective: Mr Commitment Issues

I thought I would do a bit of a retrospective on a sort of recent dating disaster. I believe that life is not really random, and that often we meet certain people at certain times in our life for a reason. Many times, we find ourselves in situations that teach us something about ourselves. It’s sort of life’s way of warning you, or redirecting you along your path. I see Mr Commitment Issues as one of these warnings in my life.

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Friends with Benefits

There are many benefits to being single: you can do what you want, go where you want, buy what you want, and not have to worry about another person, and what he may be thinking/feeling/doing etc. When you go to the hairdresser, you don’t wonder ‘will he like my new hair cut? will he even notice?…’ When you go to a shop, you don’t think ‘will he like these jeans? This dress? That shirt?’ It’s a good feeling.

But then having a boyfriend is nice too.

So what is a single girl to do?

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Speed Dating (part 2)

See how the dates went - CLICK HERE!

Frenemies

Is it true – are single girls and girlfriend girls at war with each other?

Being a newly single girl myself, I’m saddened by the idea that some of my girlfriend friends (aka: GF friends) would now see me as a threat to their relationships...

Read more: check out my new blog!

Speed Dating (part 1)

The dating saga continues, and I've decided to take a pro-active step in my quest to meet more men.

I dabbled with the idea of internet dating, but I have not been impressed with what I've seen and heard. Searching through the profiles, I felt like I had descended into the valley of the undateable! I mean, one guy's first paragraph was about how he was a student, poor, and living with his parents - wow what a catch... Oh and he's 30! By the time you eliminated the students, the fatties, the baldies, the daddies, and the oldies, you were basically left the the liars and the players (the liars being the ones who are not automatically eliminated because they are lying about something...).

My friend told me a few funny stories about her adventures in internet dating, which have totally turned me off. For example, one guy she met had a nice picture of himself with, according to the caption, his fowl. When she asked about the horse, it turned out that it had been sold over three years ago. When she asked him why he didn't have any more recent pictures of himself, he said because he didn't have any more recent pictures. Rrriiiggghhhttttt, a guy who has no pictures from the past 4/5 years (cue alarm bells!). A quick google search revealed the facebook profile with a more recent picture of the guy, plus 20kg! When she confronted the guy, he called her judgmental and shallow! The girl looks like a blonde Angelina Jolie - and fatty thought he'd have a chance with her if he hid the fact that he was actually chubbie in order to allow her to get to know him first?! I drafted a short paragraph for her, which she added to her profile, about recent photos being necessary as her time machine is currently broken, thereby making it impossible to date the you of 5 years ago.

All this to say that, before I go down that dark and scary path, I'll give speed dating a try. The same friend, let's call her Langelina, recommended it for me. She's tried it and really enjoyed it. I think it sounds alright because I can tell within 10 seconds whether I might be interested in dating someone or not, which makes the concept of only having 5-7 minutes per date perfect! No awkward getaway stories (if I have to climb out one more bathroom window...)! And no face to face rejection - just a yes or no on the card is all it takes - and no sms (text) stalking from rejected would-be lovers.

Being me, I signed up for the most expensive event I found, which also happened to be a themed event called Tall Men: An event exclusively for men 6ft and over (women can be of any height - haha!). What can I say, I love tall guys! I feel so uncomfortable with a guy who is short... even if he's taller than me, which is weird. Actually, I've never had a relationship with a guy who was short - all my boyfriends have been really tall. I just like it! Funnily enough, they don't have events for short men... poor shorties :(

But anyway, I figure this event at least guarantees that I'll meet some tall, single (and probably employed judging by the price) guys. Score!

Now I just have to prep myself for my dozen or so mini-dates. I have no idea what I'm going to say, but I figure people will probably ask something annoying like 'tell me about yourself'. To which I have no idea what I will say. How do you sum-up your life in 2 minutes?! I'll work on it... I don't want it to sound too 'I'm so perfect' (you know, I work full time, cook like Nigella Lawson, I sing, I speak many languages, I have two degrees, I'm buying my first property... and I do yoga) but I want to sound interesting (not like um ya, you know, the usual, I like stuff... no I am a real brunette, why do you ask?). So tough... I think I'll just have to wear my cleavage enhancing dress. I figure the less blood the guys have flowing to their brains, the greater the chances they won't even hear what I'm saying. Perfect.

Feminism or Bitchism?

Why is it that men here (and by here , I mean most Anglo countries... you know who you are!) have lost their aggressive drive when it comes to pursuing women? I'm sure it's there somewhere, but it seems to have become socially unacceptable for men to openly and actively pursue a woman by, for example, stopping her on the street, approaching her at a cafe, or supermarket, or basically anywhere. The only place it seems appropriate to approach a woman and hit on her is at a bar. And a bar is, of course, not the ideal place to meet anyway.

So what's going on here?! Has modern day feminism castrated the male ego?

I like feminism in theory. I don't think women's only place is in the kitchen. I think women contribute greatly to society, and the economy in so many other ways. And I don't believe women are any less capable than men.

But that doesn't mean I believe men and women are the same, because they're not! I think there's a big difference between treating women fairly in the workplace, and expecting women to be the same as men in all aspects of their lives.

Being treated like a lady is not being anti-feminist. There's nothing wrong with a man offering to help you load the groceries into your car, or offering to open the door for your, and allowing you to get on the train first. These are good things and a sign of good manners! But I have seen, and heard stories, of poor men who will try to be nice and chivalrous, and practically get slapped in the face by some bitchy woman under the guise of "feminism". If a man opens a door for a woman and she says 'who do you think you are, I can open my own door thank you very much', she is not being an empowered and strong feminist, she is just being a rude bitch! What ever happened to good manners? If someone opens the door for you, and you would prefer to open your own door, you can simply say 'that's very thoughtful of you, but no thank you'. These men are not trying to demean a woman by being a gentleman; they are just trying to be nice.

In woman's quest to take over the world (or so it seems), they have forgotten the art of being a lady. Being gracious and polite and smiling a lot have become signs of "weakness". And poor men must be so confused! Apparently it's seen as rude to approach women on the street, to open doors for them, or allow them to go ahead of you in a line. But then they will encounter certain female creatures (like me) who expect to be treated this way, and who get irritated being treated like some sort of "equal" being - this creature will sit in the car as the guy gets out, waiting for the door-opening that never happens... then she will approach the restaurant expecting the guy to open the door for her and allow her through first, but instead she has to open her own door because the guy has already gone into the restaurant ahead of her.... then she will expect the man to pull the chair out for her, but instead the guy just sits wherever he likes without even offering her a seat. And then the poor guy wonders why the evening isn't going very well, and the girl seems irritated with him.

Hasn't anyone realised that demanding to be treated the same as men is actually lowering our standards rather than raising the standard of how a woman is treated?! Frankly, I'm beginning to think that I'd gladly give up my corporate job in exchange for the return of traditional chivalry.

So let's start a new feminist movement! All bitchists must immediately cease and desist their campaign against traditional gender roles, and we must all accept that women and men are different. We should respect women's role in the workforce, but there is no need for women to be treated equally to men. Clearly, we deserve to be treated better than that!

(sidebar: just because we work, does not mean we appreciate being allowed to pay on a first date... expecting a woman to pay on a first date is the dating equivalent to russian roulette, so just pony up that extra $20 if you are hoping for that second date!)

How picky is too picky?

Now that I've gotten my fabulous single girl life together, I've begun the quest for that final accessory to bring the whole wardrobe together: a man.

With the holidays behind us now, I am once again out and about with the friends, trolling for men. This has become increasingly challenging since my resolution to not ask men out is in full force, but I don't give up hope. I'm working on making myself look more approachable (because I'm the first to admit that I'm not always very approachable).

But once I am approached, the criteria selection analysis begins. By that I mean that I have a list of criteria that will determine whether I will or will not date a guy. We all have these, just admit it. The question is, is there a point at which you can become too picky? I mean, what's the alternative? Settling? I don't settle, not in life, not with men. I guess I just enjoy being single too much to be with someone just for the sake of having a boyfriend.

Here are some of my non-negotiables:

1. I must be physically attracted to any man I date. I don't care what people say about beauty being more than skin deep, and not judging a book by its cover... it just doesn't work when you're talking about dating. Without that spark, and that attraction, there's no point even opening the book. It doesn't mean I only date male models, but I believe we all instinctively are attracted to mates who are of a similar attractiveness to ourselves. So I'm not a model, but I'm pretty and I take care of myself. I only ask the same from a man.
2. I don't care how many B.A.s or P.H.D.s a guy has, without a J.O.B. I am not interested. Sorry but that's just a reality.
3. I don't like guys who still live at home. We're past our mid-twenties now, and we're working (see point 2) - if you haven't moved out of mommy and daddy's house by now, you're obviously lazy! Plus, if a guy is living with his parents, chances are very high that he's never had to do his own laundry, cook his own meals, do all the housework himself etc etc and has no clue how to keep a place clean. He will be the one who leaves his dirty clothes in the hamper forever and then wonder why he has no clean clothes... yes, mystery!!! I will not be any man's replacement mommy. He needs to prove that he can take care of himself before I get involved. I also don't like a guy who has housemates/flatmates/roomates or whatever you want to call them. We're not in College anymore!!! Shared houses are gross, grow up!
4. He can't have any children... enough said.
5. He can't have any major debt problems (ie: he needs to be solvent). It's one thing to have a mortgage on your home, or a loan on your car, but if there are large credit car debts that never get cleared, personal loans, student loans, etc etc etc... well I don't really want any part of that. Get your financial messiness away from my trust fund!

The above five points are deal breakers. If any one of them applies to a man, I will not date him, end of story. I don't think any of the above are too much to ask, and, to be fair, non of those points apply to me either. I'm not asking for more than I can give, so I don't think I'm being unreasonable.

I also have a list of "nice to have" such as:

1. It would be good if he had his own car. I'm not a chauffeur.
2. It would be good if he owned his own place, especially if he's 30+ (I could forgive a 27 year old for still renting, but a 32 year old... that just signals that he either doesn't make enough money or he's really bad at saving, neither are particularly desirably qualities).
3. His idea of a perfect date should not include take-away pizza, DVDs, or any sporting activity.
4. He should be a foody, or at least appreciate good food and wine.
5. He should work out regularly.

Again, I don't thing I'm being unreasonable or too picky, I just have standards. That's a good thing! Isn't it?